So things have been insane in my life lately. I don't even know where to start.
Halloween was awesome. Patience was Minnie Mouse Cheerleader, Logan was a insane killer thing, Matt was Micheal Myers, and I was Hestia the Goddess of home and hearth. We had a great three days of Trick-r-treating. Matt got lots of pictures taken because he was an awesome Micheal Myers so realistic. Once things started to settle I started to get busy. I am writing a story I am going to try and put it in a contest. Then Matt got a great opportunity to go to a retreat.
I am in total need of a break.... This is going to be a short one sorry I am so tired. I hope you all have a great night and I hope to talk again soon...
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
My crazy life
I have been trying to get better at making sure I write this but some times my crazy life gets ahead of me. Things have been stressful here lately.
I found out I have slightly high blood sugar, which is a possible reason for my blackouts I have been having, so they put me on a diabetic diet. On top of all that my doctor wanted to send me to a neurologist just to rule out some stuff, so I got to wear wires (electrodes) on my head for 4 days before I got to take them off so they could monitor things to make sure I'm not having seizures.
So now I am waiting on the results of the eeg they gave me and am a nervous wreak. Between all the crap I have going on, Matt and the kids are keeping me busy. Its hard for me to find 15 mins to myself so I have been trying to do this on top of everything.
I am really in a need of a break but then I turn around and think what the crap is a break..... I don't even really know the meaning of that word anymore.
I am really hoping things are good and I can figure out what is wrong with me. I can handle a lot of things but the not knowing or the doctors telling me there is nothing wrong with me are really really really driving me insane.
I am going to get better about writing this at least once a week.... So until next time be safe
I found out I have slightly high blood sugar, which is a possible reason for my blackouts I have been having, so they put me on a diabetic diet. On top of all that my doctor wanted to send me to a neurologist just to rule out some stuff, so I got to wear wires (electrodes) on my head for 4 days before I got to take them off so they could monitor things to make sure I'm not having seizures.
So now I am waiting on the results of the eeg they gave me and am a nervous wreak. Between all the crap I have going on, Matt and the kids are keeping me busy. Its hard for me to find 15 mins to myself so I have been trying to do this on top of everything.
I am really in a need of a break but then I turn around and think what the crap is a break..... I don't even really know the meaning of that word anymore.
I am really hoping things are good and I can figure out what is wrong with me. I can handle a lot of things but the not knowing or the doctors telling me there is nothing wrong with me are really really really driving me insane.
I am going to get better about writing this at least once a week.... So until next time be safe
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Crystal meet Crystal
So things have been a little crazy lately. I am finally able to do things because my arm and ankle are healing enough that I don't have to rely on anyone but me.
In the same right I am back to having to do everything again. I was enjoying the help because I really am tired of having to do it by myself. I am still getting help cooking so that's one thing, but dishes and laundry is totally me. I know I need to stand up for myself but its so hard because I don't want to deal with the guilt trip I always get.
I keep saying that me getting hurt was God; universe; my body's way of telling me to slow down. I am slowing down but I know that it won't last long. I really wish I knew how to stand up and say "hey you know what I can't do it all by myself and even I'm not superwoman" but every time I say I can't do it by myself it starts fights and I would rather do it myself then have to get in a fight. I know that I am letting people run all over me but I'm just trying to protect myself.
I don't have many friends to talk to so its hard for me to go to my friends, because I feel that I am being one of the people that drive everyone insane because its always a "woe is me" mentality. I really just need to get back more and more of my voice.
The retreat with the ladies made me see that I never lost my voice it was just in hiding until I was ready to stand up for me. Now its up to me to bring it out more and more everyday because in all actuality that is going to be the only way I will ever be me again.
So I will leave you with this.... Old Crystal meet New Crystal because its time for me to change how I do things and be the person I have always wanted to be.
In the same right I am back to having to do everything again. I was enjoying the help because I really am tired of having to do it by myself. I am still getting help cooking so that's one thing, but dishes and laundry is totally me. I know I need to stand up for myself but its so hard because I don't want to deal with the guilt trip I always get.
I keep saying that me getting hurt was God; universe; my body's way of telling me to slow down. I am slowing down but I know that it won't last long. I really wish I knew how to stand up and say "hey you know what I can't do it all by myself and even I'm not superwoman" but every time I say I can't do it by myself it starts fights and I would rather do it myself then have to get in a fight. I know that I am letting people run all over me but I'm just trying to protect myself.
I don't have many friends to talk to so its hard for me to go to my friends, because I feel that I am being one of the people that drive everyone insane because its always a "woe is me" mentality. I really just need to get back more and more of my voice.
The retreat with the ladies made me see that I never lost my voice it was just in hiding until I was ready to stand up for me. Now its up to me to bring it out more and more everyday because in all actuality that is going to be the only way I will ever be me again.
So I will leave you with this.... Old Crystal meet New Crystal because its time for me to change how I do things and be the person I have always wanted to be.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
My masks
I have many masks: mom, wife, sister, caregiver, aunt, daughter, niece, etc. In the process of all these masks that I have I lost me.
I am good at talking about my family, my kids, my husband and such, but I'm not good at talking about me. I am trying to change that and I feel like I am making strides to changing that. In the process I don't know if I am loosing more of me then ever before. What I mean about that is I don't know WHO I am. I don't think I have ever known who I am. I have always tried to be what everyone wants me to be. I am a strong and independent woman but at the same time I'm not. I know you are thinking man this woman doesn't know what she is trying to say and to that I would have to agree.
I went on a retreat for caregivers at the end of August beginning of September with a bunch of other woman that are doing the same thing I do on the day to day. It opened my eyes to so many things. I realized I do use masks instead of finding the real me, and that I never had people in my life that understood because I never choose the right kind of friends. I am taking things one day at a time to find out who I really am. I never thought that a 30 year old wouldn't know who they were but there you go.... I am a 30 year old and I have no idea who I am but I'm trying to find out.
I can still be a mom, a wife, caregiver, sister, aunt, daughter but that doesn't define who I am. I am a person that wants to know who I am. With the help of my husband, my warrior sisters, and a few other people I am finding out who I am.
I am hoping I find out who I am soon because I need to be me...... I love my kids and I love my husband but its time to be ALL ABOUT ME.....
I am good at talking about my family, my kids, my husband and such, but I'm not good at talking about me. I am trying to change that and I feel like I am making strides to changing that. In the process I don't know if I am loosing more of me then ever before. What I mean about that is I don't know WHO I am. I don't think I have ever known who I am. I have always tried to be what everyone wants me to be. I am a strong and independent woman but at the same time I'm not. I know you are thinking man this woman doesn't know what she is trying to say and to that I would have to agree.
I went on a retreat for caregivers at the end of August beginning of September with a bunch of other woman that are doing the same thing I do on the day to day. It opened my eyes to so many things. I realized I do use masks instead of finding the real me, and that I never had people in my life that understood because I never choose the right kind of friends. I am taking things one day at a time to find out who I really am. I never thought that a 30 year old wouldn't know who they were but there you go.... I am a 30 year old and I have no idea who I am but I'm trying to find out.
I can still be a mom, a wife, caregiver, sister, aunt, daughter but that doesn't define who I am. I am a person that wants to know who I am. With the help of my husband, my warrior sisters, and a few other people I am finding out who I am.
I am hoping I find out who I am soon because I need to be me...... I love my kids and I love my husband but its time to be ALL ABOUT ME.....
Sunday, September 16, 2012
My husband
Its been awhile but that's because I hurt myself and have been down for over a week but that's for another day.
I met my husband January of 2004 while he was in AIT in Texas. My friend's husband was going through training while he was in the Army. She was 6 months pregnant and had never flown before so she asked if I would come with her to visit her husband. Well while you are in training you aren't allowed to leave base without another soldier with you so there was another reason for me to come so that A.M. battle buddy was like a third wheel. The day we got to Texas the guys weren't allowed to leave base so we went to see A.M. and my husband was with him so that way we could met finally. That turned out to be a great couple of days. The next day when Matt and A.M. met L.M. and I we enjoyed the day of doing random things. Matt and I ended up doing a lot of talking to get to know one another. For me it was love at first sight, we had a great time. We went to the movies and watch "Butterfly Effect" (I can't say I remembered much of the movie because we were making-out) after that we walked around San Antonio for awhile before we went back to the hotel. The next day things were weird because Matt found out he had order to go to Korea so he didn't want to start a relationship. We ended up leaving things the way they were but talked on the phone when he could and I sent letters.
We found out the day he graduated from AIT that instead of Korea he was going to Georgia to deploy after Christmas. It ended up working out great because where he was stationed I only lived 6-8 hours away. I found out that he had just ended his relationship with his ex 2 months before we met so he was still having issues with us having a relationship. So things got pretty bad her in the Great State of Alabama so when A.M. and L.M. asked me if I wanted to move to Georgia with them I told them yes. I needed to get away and start new. It was an added bonus that Matt was close. We had an on again off again relationship for almost a year before the left for deployment.
One month before Matt left to go to Iraq we found out that we were pregnant, that was the day after we broke off the engagement, with our son. Since things were getting so crazy with deployment and Matt pushing me away, I made the decision to come back to Alabama where my family was so that way I had support. Matt left 2 weeks after I went back home. Matt missed out on everything from beginning of the pregnancy, first movement, first time hearing the heart beat, watching the ultrasounds, everything. I went through the whole labor and delivery and the first 7 months of him life by myself. M got home New years Eve and met his son for the first time ever. We got married 2 months after he got home. Before he got back to the States he received orders to go to Colorado. We were married for almost 6 months when we moved. When we got there life living with a soldier with PTSD got bad. He had been able to hold it in for awhile before it came out but when it did it was bad. We got there in June and in October M had asked for a divorce. So I went back to Alabama with my one year old in tow. He deployed again in December. It was hard because our son had no idea what was going on. For our son's 2nd birthday we got a surprise M was in Atlanta waiting on me because he was back for R&R. It was a great surprise because we were starting to fix our relationship. We had decided that when he got home from deployment I was going to be back in Colorado waiting on him. If I thought things were bad it had nothing on the second deployment. His PTSD was worse and he was drinking even more. We had received orders shortly after he got home that we were getting stationed in Washington State 6 months after he got home. Right before M left for Washington I took a pregnancy test and had to wait on the results until the day M left. I had to wait a month before I could leave because I was getting some work done on my knees to help with the cartilage. The day M left I got the call that I was pregnant. That night M got in trouble and got a DUI while he was in route to WA. I left two weeks early to travel to WA because M wasn't doing really well without me. As his PTSD got worse, his drinking got worse.
When I was 9 months pregnant I walked in on M and another soldier (female) close to kissing while my son and I were right down the hall. That was M's wake up call that he needed help so after being together for so many years the day he held our daughter in his arms he made a vow to stop drinking. We still have issues and we are still working on a lot but we are stronger together then separate. Our daughter is now 3 years old and M has been sober for almost 4 years. He is now out of the Army he got medically retired 2 years ago. I am so use to dealing with his PTSD that I always put myself last. This blog is a way for me to tell my story and to start putting myself first.
Well that is all for today I will be back.....
I met my husband January of 2004 while he was in AIT in Texas. My friend's husband was going through training while he was in the Army. She was 6 months pregnant and had never flown before so she asked if I would come with her to visit her husband. Well while you are in training you aren't allowed to leave base without another soldier with you so there was another reason for me to come so that A.M. battle buddy was like a third wheel. The day we got to Texas the guys weren't allowed to leave base so we went to see A.M. and my husband was with him so that way we could met finally. That turned out to be a great couple of days. The next day when Matt and A.M. met L.M. and I we enjoyed the day of doing random things. Matt and I ended up doing a lot of talking to get to know one another. For me it was love at first sight, we had a great time. We went to the movies and watch "Butterfly Effect" (I can't say I remembered much of the movie because we were making-out) after that we walked around San Antonio for awhile before we went back to the hotel. The next day things were weird because Matt found out he had order to go to Korea so he didn't want to start a relationship. We ended up leaving things the way they were but talked on the phone when he could and I sent letters.
We found out the day he graduated from AIT that instead of Korea he was going to Georgia to deploy after Christmas. It ended up working out great because where he was stationed I only lived 6-8 hours away. I found out that he had just ended his relationship with his ex 2 months before we met so he was still having issues with us having a relationship. So things got pretty bad her in the Great State of Alabama so when A.M. and L.M. asked me if I wanted to move to Georgia with them I told them yes. I needed to get away and start new. It was an added bonus that Matt was close. We had an on again off again relationship for almost a year before the left for deployment.
One month before Matt left to go to Iraq we found out that we were pregnant, that was the day after we broke off the engagement, with our son. Since things were getting so crazy with deployment and Matt pushing me away, I made the decision to come back to Alabama where my family was so that way I had support. Matt left 2 weeks after I went back home. Matt missed out on everything from beginning of the pregnancy, first movement, first time hearing the heart beat, watching the ultrasounds, everything. I went through the whole labor and delivery and the first 7 months of him life by myself. M got home New years Eve and met his son for the first time ever. We got married 2 months after he got home. Before he got back to the States he received orders to go to Colorado. We were married for almost 6 months when we moved. When we got there life living with a soldier with PTSD got bad. He had been able to hold it in for awhile before it came out but when it did it was bad. We got there in June and in October M had asked for a divorce. So I went back to Alabama with my one year old in tow. He deployed again in December. It was hard because our son had no idea what was going on. For our son's 2nd birthday we got a surprise M was in Atlanta waiting on me because he was back for R&R. It was a great surprise because we were starting to fix our relationship. We had decided that when he got home from deployment I was going to be back in Colorado waiting on him. If I thought things were bad it had nothing on the second deployment. His PTSD was worse and he was drinking even more. We had received orders shortly after he got home that we were getting stationed in Washington State 6 months after he got home. Right before M left for Washington I took a pregnancy test and had to wait on the results until the day M left. I had to wait a month before I could leave because I was getting some work done on my knees to help with the cartilage. The day M left I got the call that I was pregnant. That night M got in trouble and got a DUI while he was in route to WA. I left two weeks early to travel to WA because M wasn't doing really well without me. As his PTSD got worse, his drinking got worse.
When I was 9 months pregnant I walked in on M and another soldier (female) close to kissing while my son and I were right down the hall. That was M's wake up call that he needed help so after being together for so many years the day he held our daughter in his arms he made a vow to stop drinking. We still have issues and we are still working on a lot but we are stronger together then separate. Our daughter is now 3 years old and M has been sober for almost 4 years. He is now out of the Army he got medically retired 2 years ago. I am so use to dealing with his PTSD that I always put myself last. This blog is a way for me to tell my story and to start putting myself first.
Well that is all for today I will be back.....
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
the beginning
I am new to this.... I was told this weekend that I have a gift, I was amazed because I have never thought of myself as having a gift. I am 30 and have always thought I wasn't good enough for anything so for this I am just going to go with the flow. I will start from where I think the beginning is.
When I was a child I could do anything I wanted to.... I was strong and love adventures nothing could stop me no matter what. The older I got the more I realized I wasn't like my older sister. I started school and it made that feeling of not good enough just start settling in more and more. My older sister was always smart and good (my baby sister now calls her Lady Jesus).... imagine having to grow up with someone that never did any wrong it was no fun I can tell you that. I always put my insecurities deep down so no one would see it even myself. I used humor and anger and just pretending that it wasn't true to make it easy for me.... the older I got the more I self internalized and blamed myself for not being good enough. I can see that now but then I didn't. I can remember thinking I was the reason that my parents divorced (when I was a year old it was finalized) and then when I was 9 my mom remarried. Nine months after they got married my mom had another baby. So at that point I think I started thinking that my mom was replacing me because I wasn't what she wanted in a daughter. I had issues with my body everyone in my family (expect for my dad) was skinny and I wasn't I was big boned. I was never good enough (that's what I thought).
When I was in the sixth grade I moved to Alabama (from Michigan) which was a culture shock to say the least and I always felt like my class was the meanest ever. I was never able to fit in because of where I was from. I had friends that the kids in school thought I shouldn't have. The feelings of not being good enough intensified. I realize now that I really pulled into myself and my depression got REALLY bad. I tried to kill myself twice when I was thirteen. Instead of allowing that I just became more and more into myself. I hated life I hated me. I just wanted things to go away. I still to this day can't believe that I allowed that to happen.
I am going to stop right here cause I feel like I need some more time.... I will definitely be back because I feel better.
When I was a child I could do anything I wanted to.... I was strong and love adventures nothing could stop me no matter what. The older I got the more I realized I wasn't like my older sister. I started school and it made that feeling of not good enough just start settling in more and more. My older sister was always smart and good (my baby sister now calls her Lady Jesus).... imagine having to grow up with someone that never did any wrong it was no fun I can tell you that. I always put my insecurities deep down so no one would see it even myself. I used humor and anger and just pretending that it wasn't true to make it easy for me.... the older I got the more I self internalized and blamed myself for not being good enough. I can see that now but then I didn't. I can remember thinking I was the reason that my parents divorced (when I was a year old it was finalized) and then when I was 9 my mom remarried. Nine months after they got married my mom had another baby. So at that point I think I started thinking that my mom was replacing me because I wasn't what she wanted in a daughter. I had issues with my body everyone in my family (expect for my dad) was skinny and I wasn't I was big boned. I was never good enough (that's what I thought).
When I was in the sixth grade I moved to Alabama (from Michigan) which was a culture shock to say the least and I always felt like my class was the meanest ever. I was never able to fit in because of where I was from. I had friends that the kids in school thought I shouldn't have. The feelings of not being good enough intensified. I realize now that I really pulled into myself and my depression got REALLY bad. I tried to kill myself twice when I was thirteen. Instead of allowing that I just became more and more into myself. I hated life I hated me. I just wanted things to go away. I still to this day can't believe that I allowed that to happen.
I am going to stop right here cause I feel like I need some more time.... I will definitely be back because I feel better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)