the beginning

I am new to this.... I was told this weekend that I have a gift, I was amazed because I have never thought of myself as having a gift. I am 30 and have always thought I wasn't good enough for anything so for this I am just going to go with the flow. I will start from where I think the beginning is.

When I was a child I could do anything I wanted to.... I was strong and love adventures nothing could stop me no matter what. The older I got the more I realized I wasn't like my older sister. I started school and it made that feeling of not good enough just start settling in more and more. My older sister was always smart and good (my baby sister now calls her Lady Jesus).... imagine having to grow up with someone that never did any wrong it was no fun I can tell you that. I always put my insecurities deep down so no one would see it even myself.  I used humor and anger and just pretending that it wasn't true to make it easy for me.... the older I got the more I self internalized and blamed myself for not being good enough. I can see that now but then I didn't. I can remember thinking I was the reason that my parents divorced (when I was a year old it was finalized) and then when I was 9 my mom remarried. Nine months after they got married my mom had another baby. So at that point I think I started thinking that my mom was replacing me because I wasn't what she wanted in a daughter. I had issues with my body everyone in my family (expect for my dad) was skinny and I wasn't I was big boned. I was never good enough (that's what I thought).

When I was in the sixth grade I moved to Alabama (from Michigan) which was a culture shock to say the least and I always felt like my class was the meanest ever. I was never able to fit in because of where I was from. I had friends that the kids in school thought I shouldn't have. The feelings of not being good enough intensified. I realize now that I really pulled into myself and my depression got REALLY bad. I tried to kill myself twice when I was thirteen. Instead of allowing that I just became more and more into myself. I hated life I hated me. I just wanted things to go away. I still to this day can't believe that I allowed that to happen.

I am going to stop right here cause I feel like I need some more time.... I will definitely be back because I feel better.